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S3, E44 Armani: A Magnificent Millennial

At 23 years old, Armani Eady has committed her life to social justice – even if it doesn’t always mean she’ll create from scratch the platform from which to do it. On this episode, she shares how the first thing she did as a brand new college freshman was charter her predominately white university’s first ever organization for Black women’s equal and fair access to the school’s resources. Having gone to an all-girls high school where the student body and some of the faculty looked like her and reflected her worldview, Armani underestimated how life outside of her comfortable girl power bubble would require her to explain herself and resist constant edicts to shrink herself. She admits that those first few years post-high school surprised her because she’d never considered there were multiple ways to do womanhood and college exposed her to the diversity in choices young women like her were making. She has used these years in her young adulthood to learn how to enter romantic relationships from a place of wholeness, to adjust how she practices her faith and to take advantage of mental health services that are invaluable for her growth. As she works towards being a free Black woman in every sense of the word, Armani says what she needs to claim that title is to commit herself to her own wellness. “I’ve learned a lot of people aren’t interested in being well,” Armani states. “I decided I would be committed to being a well woman so I can help others become well, too.”

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S2, E26: Sister Raie Resists Rigid Relationships

A native of New York City and current resident of New Orleans, Sister Raie is one of those 21st century women whose answer to “Who are you?” is wonderfully layered. An international singer and songwriter, she is an advocate for mental health in the black community and the sexual and romantic exploration of women. An enthusiastic arts educator, she is also the founder of In My Words, a project that mentors girls of color who show a passion for expressing themselves through the arts. In this episode, Sister Raie shares her insights on what it means to be in a romantic relationship that brings her the most peace. She has had conversations with partners about not walking away from a sexual relationship with someone else when she is on the road for long stretches of time because she is unwilling to deny herself intimacy. Because rigid monogamy feels counterintuitive in those situations, Raie is honest about the communication and candor necessary in order to maintain a semi-open relationship that gives her and her partner what they need. She also delves into how many friends she’s talked to over the years who are afraid to act on their sexuality – whether it is trying open relationships or simply pleasuring themselves – and how this timidity is their way of saying, “There is not enough space in my life to fully be me.” A digression into the topic of the sex life of a fictional character on a critically acclaimed television show also leads Sister Raie to challenge people’s reaction to the mythical, oft-demonized “hoe” archetype. Sister Raie also shares one of the reasons why she has been able to embrace her entire sexual self as she’s grown into womanhood. “I have let go of the quest for the perfect body in order to enjoy my sexuality.” Sister Raie used to have a rigid view on how her breasts should lay and how her butt should look. “Young Sister Raie saw her body through the eyes of the lover who was looking at her naked.” she says. “Sister Raie now sees her body as her own. I am just it.”

Ep 18: Olivia Granted Herself Sexual Freedom

A bi-sexual woman, Olivia Lollis did not know she could choose other love structures besides monogamy. She knew of polygamy and found the practice unfair and sexist so she practiced monogamy almost out of ignorance. With no knowledge of other forms of ethical non-monogamy, she ended up partnering with one man at a time. On this episode, she talks about discovering swinging as a single woman and exploring this form of non-monogamy on her own before meeting and marrying a man who was also interested in the practice. She was soon to learn that control of women’s sexuality was not unique just to monogamy. As a swinging couple, her husband wanted to control every aspect of who they partnered with, only consenting to an encounter when the woman fit his standards. When Olivia began to desire more than just sex with one particular woman, her husband tried to guilt her for wanting to fully practice polyamory. She began to realize that her sexuality had to be expressed through him while not threatening his ego. Olivia also talks about coming to the realization that her partnerships with heterosexual men often led to them exploiting her bisexuality for their own personal gain. It was when she decided being solo poly was best for her that she began to figure out a relationship configuration that worked. She now has multiple relationships that are separate from each other. She no longer shies away from letting a heterosexual male partner know that when she says “I am looking for a girlfriend,” it means a girlfriend for her and her alone. “I have freed myself from being sexual property,” Olivia says. “I am my primary partner and all others are secondary.” Olivia asserts that she wants her cake and to eat it, too. And she is no longer allowing men access to the recipe.

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Ep 17: Evita’s Non-Monogamous Marriage Has Made Her A Better Partner

Evita Sawyers and her husband did not drag either one into a polyamorous lifestyle. They were both curious about the love structure and experimented in some form of ethical non-monogamy together before deciding that they would pursue committed relationships outside of their marriage. On this episode, Evita shares what she has learned about herself through non-monogamy and how she has unpacked toxic narratives about love unquestioned monogamy can sometimes perpetuate. Because she has multiple partners, she has learned that she can have a huge sense of entitlement about what she is owed because of the position she holds in a relationship. She realized she had anger management issues as well and thought of her children as her property instead of their own selves separate from her. According to Evita, the most toxic notion about partnership that polyamory has helped her unpack is the concept of one person having to be all things for you. One person having to be your everything. She feels polyamory puts control of her needs back in her hands where it belongs. And she has given back the control of her partners’ needs back to them. While not one to place polyamory on any hierarchy of love structures, Evita does credit it with helping her find peace and contentment by herself. Even with a husband, a boyfriend and a girlfriend, there are still times when Evita will only have Evita’s company on any given evening. “That is the greatest gift ethical non-monogamy has given me,” Evita says. “It’s taught me that the number one person who can fulfill my needs is myself.”

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Ep 15: Damia Created a Space That Celebrates Single Women

Like many young girls, Damia Jackson assumed she would be married one day. Though she never focused exclusively on finding a husband, she assumed somewhere in her 30s, there’d be one living in her home. Now, as a 46-year-old woman who has never married, Damia sees a great need for the blog she created, Single Girls Rock. In this episode, she talks about realizing there were no spaces that spoke to single women from a place of normalcy. Much of what she encountered seemed to come from the premise of: Here is what is wrong with you and what you need to do to get a man. For Damia, these spaces were not very helpful. She had come to see her life as a conscious choice even though marriage had been an institution she once desired. By her mid-30s, she had decided to stop waiting on a spouse in order to have certain experiences like buying a house or traveling to her dream destinations. Through Single Girls Rock, Damia has connected with women all around the world who share her story of choosing singlehood and finding joy in their lives. “I have freed myself from the notion that a romantic relationship is the most important one I should focus on,” Damia says. “I also have freed myself from the belief that to be single is to be completely alone and never need anyone.” Aside from showing vulnerability to friends, lovers and family members, Damia believes seeking the help of the people in her life is key to being a woman who is healthy and happy.

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Ep 12: Phyllis Evolves in Her Role as A Wife

When she was 19 years old, Phyllis Brown began dating her husband because she wanted to lose her virginity to this fun and charismatic guy with whom she connected immediately. The man she had chosen to “pop my cherry” became her boyfriend of ten years and has been her husband for another ten. In this episode, she shares how the last twenty years with her husband have seen her grow in her own identity and evolve from the young woman who believed the only way to be a partner was to take care of the king of the house and honor his every word. Given this partner prototype by the women in her family, Phyllis had no idea that a wife could have an identity outside of her husband. Because she was so young when she met her husband, her naiveté allowed his powerful personae to overshadow her. As they have both grown in the relationship, she has had several discussions with him about what makes her happy and how she needs the marriage to progress in order to still be his wife and herself at the same time. Phyllis and her husband identify as polyamorous so they both maintain relationships outside of their marriage. She credits the support of her husband and the guidance of her two other partners in helping her reclaim herself and redefine happiness as she reaches the other side of forty. “It is important to learn how to be selfish,” Phyllis says. “I still have to work through guilt when I choose myself over my husband and home, but I am getting better at it.”

Ep 8: Tracy Chose Herself Over Her Husband

Like many people, Tracy Adams envisioned herself someday partnered with “that one special person for life.” Though there was a period in her 20s when she tried to suppress this desire, she dated with the hope of ultimately meeting a life partner. In this episode, Tracy talks about her decision to end her marriage three years into it. After summarizing the courtship with her ex, she explains how she came to the decision that the marriage was not worth continuing. Early into their new marriage, she discovered her partner had not completely disclosed an issue with her. While the issue was of a sensitive nature and did not make her husband a horrible person, Tracy knew that to support him through this issue she would have to deplete herself emotionally. She suggests that many black women are socialized to see such tedious emotional labor as their full responsibility in a partnership. So, they offer this labor freely without much thought to what they have to sacrifice in order to perform such endless work. Having experienced an extreme emotional low when she was younger, Tracy was committed to never putting herself at risk to reach that point again. In order not to repeat that year when she was so depressed that she never left the couch, divorce had to happen. Post-divorce, she remains grateful that she chose her joy and emotional health over her marriage. “I have freed myself from the belief that black women should put everyone else before themselves,” Tracy says. “I will always center myself in my life because only I am responsible for saving, for sustaining me.”

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Ep 1: Shira Does Not Do Monogamy

Shira Obasuyi chats about growing up in a polyamorous family. She shares stories of the women in her family teaching her to value her relationship with herself over her relationships with any and all of her partners. She also explains why even though she never tried to force herself into the box of monogamy, entering the adult world where this structure was largely practiced did create struggles to relate to people she cared about, but could not understand. “I discovered that in monogamy, a partner will have lots of insecurities that they want you to fix,” she says. “My parents never talked about love the way I was hearing monogamous people define it.”

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