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S3, E51 Jaaza: A Magnificent Millennial

Georgia native Jaaza Clarke’s defining moment of adulthood was admitting she had chosen a field that wasn’t really the best fit for her. On this episode, she shares how she learned to regroup and reassess when she realized that her multiple interests resulted in her putting her most important passion on the back burner. She talks about listening to others’ voices and allowing them too much influence over her decisions. As a well-traveled woman who has lived and formed support networks outside of American borders, Jaaza also shares how many Black women she’s encountered who are foregoing motherhood because it’s a responsibility that would curtail their ability to live by the dictates of their own whims. She’s come to question the expectation that raising children should be something she plans to do simply because she is a woman. While most of her friends are mothers, Jaaza maintains the role has never really interested her. With the troubling condition of the current world and the sacrifices associated with motherhood, being childless strikes her as a much better option. Jaaza is honest about her struggle to nail down what is essential in her journey to freedom. She knows that peace and stability are paramount. However, she has a dormant desire to retire in Africa. While she knows the continent is not a cure-all for every trauma Black Americans experience in our own country, she does want to experience “what it feels like to see myself reflected everywhere I go. I want to be able to walk outside and see myself as the majority.”

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S3, E47 Danielle: A Magnificent Millennial

When 27-year-old Danielle Taylor was in her teens, she imagined her late 20s would find her securely settled into a dream career and married with one child under her care and another on the way. In this episode, she shares how she came to reconcile her fantasy life with the reality of womanhood. Taking a while to find the right job in the field that was most congruent with her personality and passions wasn’t as simple as she thought it would be. She dated like most young people, but while still in her mid-20s learned that choosing the right partner was even trickier than choosing the right career. As she approaches her 30s, she talks about how grateful she is that she doesn’t have two kids calling her Mommy. Danielle opens up about coming to the decision not to have children at all – even if she does eventually find her ideal partner and they decide to marry. Her time struggling to find herself and her place in the world helped her to see that she really didn’t want to raise children. Danielle cites many reasons why, though she enjoys spending time with kids, she prefers the ones who can be returned. She talks about friends and family sometimes judging her choice simply because it is different than their own. As she reflects on her growth, Danielle ends by saying she seeks to find balance and happiness in her life. “My burning question is always ‘what do I really enjoy doing.’ I need to find out what really brings me joy instead of just what I do because an adult is supposed to do it.”

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S2, E39: Angela Finds Freedom in Options

Leader of the Sistahs in the Story Book Club, Angela Smith goes into greater detail about connections she had to No Thanks: Black, Female, and Living in the Martyr-Free Zone. Referring to stories from the book club discussion in episodes 37 and 38, Angela explains how the female members of her family accosted her at a cookout because she was approaching her 40s and didn’t have children. She shares why she believes even her closest friends have questioned her choice to remain childfree: they never considered any other option for themselves and her presence shows them that there were many. Angela also retells the story of choosing to end a long-term relationship instead of following her boyfriend of 14 years across the country. She reflects on how shocked her boyfriend was when she said she had no interest in uprooting her life and moving to another state. This leads into a discussion about the outdated mindset that a woman’s greatest desire is to be chosen by a good man. Angela notes that it has only been a few decades since women could not even get a credit card without a husband’s signature. Therefore, she is unsurprised that her former beau assumed she would move away with him so he would continue to choose her. Angela is unbothered by what people assume she should do. A true free black woman, she casually says, “I find freedom in having options. And as long as there are options out there to have, I will keep taking them.”

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S2, E31: Keturah Got Some Shit She Need To Say

Popular guest from Season 1, Tracy Adams, returns to talk to Keturah about her new book, No Thanks: Black, Female, and Living in the Martyr-Free Zone. Having known Keturah as a friend and blogger for a decade, Tracy wanted to learn about why Keturah chose to document some of their personal conversations and topics she’s written about many times on her blog, Yet Another Single Gal, in this new collection of essays. Keturah explains that two years spent in Africa and the death of musical icon, Prince, were pivotal moments that compelled her to commit to sharing her insights about being a woman whose lifestyle choices center her needs and the pushback she and other Black women endure when they make such choices. Keturah talks about how living abroad has impacted the way she looks at patriarchy and whiteness. She explains that many women she has encountered surrender to both. In her book she tells their stories as well as those whose very lives challenge both systems with bold defiance. When asked if readers of No Thanks will be rewarded with a detailed instruction of how to get free, Keturah responds with her trademark authenticity and wit. “I don’t want women to pick up this book because they watched every episode of Iyanla’s Fix My Life and their life is not yet fixed.” Keturah laughs as she asserts: “You don’t need me or Iyanla to fix your life. You already know how to do it. You just may not be talking with yourself enough. But, you already know what does and does not need fixing. You also know why you ain’t fixing it…yet.”

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Bonus: Doreen, the Childfree African, is Back!

On episode 2, Doreen Yomoah shared her insights about being an African woman who has chosen not to have children. She also shared stories of how rejecting motherhood was just one way of rejecting patriarchal expectations that are placed on the shoulders of African women. Returning for a deeper dive into the childfree-by-choice life, she uses this episode to explain why she believes more African women are not vocal about not wanting children. She also further connects the assumption that women are just natural caregivers to socialization by explaining how her day job involves researching these assumptions about gender and what it biologically predetermines. She talks about how most people do not notice the intense pronatalist propaganda in their communities because they see the adulthood = parenthood narrative as just the default. A discussion about Michelle Obama’s wildly successful memoir also sparks an analysis of how attached many cultures are to the expectation that women do the heavy lifting of parenting. “Aside from the stigma of if you are a woman, you must have a child, we need to address the other stigma of if you are a man, you are just supposed to be the breadwinner and taking care of children is not your role,” Doreen says. “Both narratives are different sides of the same coin.”

Doreen has great insights and is always a wonderful guest. If this episode is still not enough for you, check out her blog, The Childfree African and her podcast, We Can’t Keep Quiet.

Ep 16: Nina Embraced Infertility With Gratitude

Creator of the internationally recognized Nonparents.com, Nina Steele remembers the exact day when she accepted she would not be a mother. She and her husband had been trying to conceive for years. After another failed attempt, an acute understanding of the reality of this situation washed over her. She was clear that her inability to conceive was not a sad situation over which she should grieve. “I am so lucky this has not happened for me,” she said to no one in particular. In this episode, Nina talks about how she grew up seeing the impact of unquestioned pronatalism on the lives of women. From a poor village in Ivory Coast, she witnessed many women giving birth to babies they could not feed because it was just tradition for African women to keep having babies as long as their bodies were able to produce them. She talks about how her own attempts to conceive a child were not really rooted in any concrete reason for wanting to be a mother. “I was married so I figured I should have a baby.” Though she and her husband live a comfortable life in England and could afford to raise a child, Nina is unapologetic when stating their infertility issue has granted them the freedom of expendable income and the chance to work on their own personal growth and creative pursuits. Through Nonparents.com, she has encountered other women who are childless by circumstance. She admits that she had to learn to be more compassionate towards those who did not come to acceptance of their non-motherhood as quickly and wholly as she did. Initially, it annoyed Nina when western women who had been born into lives of so much abundance, so much privilege droned on about how incomplete they felt because they had everything else – except children. She learned to be more compassionate towards them because she understood how not coming from a place of rampant poverty informed their view of the world. “My experiences growing up in Ivory Coast taught me to be grateful for whatever I had,” Nina explains. “I operate from a place of gratitude in every part of my life. It is why I am so grateful that I know I can live a fulfilling and joyful life without having children.”

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Ep 7: Ebony Won’t Be Birthing Babies (Yes, Her Husband Knows)

When 35-year-old Ebony Murphy-Root reflects on her childhood and young adulthood, she can not recall a moment when motherhood was a role she desired. What does remain prominent in her mind are memories of her father’s sister who was unmarried with no children. A homeowner with a good job and a full social calendar, Ebony’s aunt was always laughing and off to do something that looked fun and exciting. It left an impression on young Ebony who relished the time she spent with her auntie. In this episode, Ebony challenges the myth that no man will marry a woman who does not want to have his children. She met her husband when she was 26-years-old and they found common ground on wanting a childfree life early into their courtship. Even before meeting Mr. Murphy-Root, Ebony says dating did not present her with anymore challenges than the usual ones for young women. She dated across racial lines and was never one to present herself as someone she was not. As a result, she was not short of gentlemen callers. Ebony also shares her perspective on why black women, particularly, are met with pushback and judgment when they are vocal about having no desire to mother. “In black communities, the belief that a woman’s resources – her time, her energy, her money – are community property is much more pronounced than it is in mainstream culture,” Ebony explains. “So when you say you are opting out of the biggest way to suck up all of a woman’s resources, people definitely will feel a certain type of way. Especially since many believe black women are not even entitled to have choices in the first place.” Ebony remains unbothered by people’s feelings, of course. She knows she is not the first black woman to live a life many believe she has no right to live. Nor will she be the last.

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