When she was 19 years old, Phyllis Brown began dating her husband because she wanted to lose her virginity to this fun and charismatic guy with whom she connected immediately. The man she had chosen to “pop my cherry” became her boyfriend of ten years and has been her husband for another ten. In this episode, she shares how the last twenty years with her husband have seen her grow in her own identity and evolve from the young woman who believed the only way to be a partner was to take care of the king of the house and honor his every word. Given this partner prototype by the women in her family, Phyllis had no idea that a wife could have an identity outside of her husband. Because she was so young when she met her husband, her naiveté allowed his powerful personae to overshadow her. As they have both grown in the relationship, she has had several discussions with him about what makes her happy and how she needs the marriage to progress in order to still be his wife and herself at the same time. Phyllis and her husband identify as polyamorous so they both maintain relationships outside of their marriage. She credits the support of her husband and the guidance of her two other partners in helping her reclaim herself and redefine happiness as she reaches the other side of forty. “It is important to learn how to be selfish,” Phyllis says. “I still have to work through guilt when I choose myself over my husband and home, but I am getting better at it.”
