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S2, E26: Sister Raie Resists Rigid Relationships

A native of New York City and current resident of New Orleans, Sister Raie is one of those 21st century women whose answer to “Who are you?” is wonderfully layered. An international singer and songwriter, she is an advocate for mental health in the black community and the sexual and romantic exploration of women. An enthusiastic arts educator, she is also the founder of In My Words, a project that mentors girls of color who show a passion for expressing themselves through the arts. In this episode, Sister Raie shares her insights on what it means to be in a romantic relationship that brings her the most peace. She has had conversations with partners about not walking away from a sexual relationship with someone else when she is on the road for long stretches of time because she is unwilling to deny herself intimacy. Because rigid monogamy feels counterintuitive in those situations, Raie is honest about the communication and candor necessary in order to maintain a semi-open relationship that gives her and her partner what they need. She also delves into how many friends she’s talked to over the years who are afraid to act on their sexuality – whether it is trying open relationships or simply pleasuring themselves – and how this timidity is their way of saying, “There is not enough space in my life to fully be me.” A digression into the topic of the sex life of a fictional character on a critically acclaimed television show also leads Sister Raie to challenge people’s reaction to the mythical, oft-demonized “hoe” archetype. Sister Raie also shares one of the reasons why she has been able to embrace her entire sexual self as she’s grown into womanhood. “I have let go of the quest for the perfect body in order to enjoy my sexuality.” Sister Raie used to have a rigid view on how her breasts should lay and how her butt should look. “Young Sister Raie saw her body through the eyes of the lover who was looking at her naked.” she says. “Sister Raie now sees her body as her own. I am just it.”

Ep 18: Olivia Granted Herself Sexual Freedom

A bi-sexual woman, Olivia Lollis did not know she could choose other love structures besides monogamy. She knew of polygamy and found the practice unfair and sexist so she practiced monogamy almost out of ignorance. With no knowledge of other forms of ethical non-monogamy, she ended up partnering with one man at a time. On this episode, she talks about discovering swinging as a single woman and exploring this form of non-monogamy on her own before meeting and marrying a man who was also interested in the practice. She was soon to learn that control of women’s sexuality was not unique just to monogamy. As a swinging couple, her husband wanted to control every aspect of who they partnered with, only consenting to an encounter when the woman fit his standards. When Olivia began to desire more than just sex with one particular woman, her husband tried to guilt her for wanting to fully practice polyamory. She began to realize that her sexuality had to be expressed through him while not threatening his ego. Olivia also talks about coming to the realization that her partnerships with heterosexual men often led to them exploiting her bisexuality for their own personal gain. It was when she decided being solo poly was best for her that she began to figure out a relationship configuration that worked. She now has multiple relationships that are separate from each other. She no longer shies away from letting a heterosexual male partner know that when she says “I am looking for a girlfriend,” it means a girlfriend for her and her alone. “I have freed myself from being sexual property,” Olivia says. “I am my primary partner and all others are secondary.” Olivia asserts that she wants her cake and to eat it, too. And she is no longer allowing men access to the recipe.

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Ep 17: Evita’s Non-Monogamous Marriage Has Made Her A Better Partner

Evita Sawyers and her husband did not drag either one into a polyamorous lifestyle. They were both curious about the love structure and experimented in some form of ethical non-monogamy together before deciding that they would pursue committed relationships outside of their marriage. On this episode, Evita shares what she has learned about herself through non-monogamy and how she has unpacked toxic narratives about love unquestioned monogamy can sometimes perpetuate. Because she has multiple partners, she has learned that she can have a huge sense of entitlement about what she is owed because of the position she holds in a relationship. She realized she had anger management issues as well and thought of her children as her property instead of their own selves separate from her. According to Evita, the most toxic notion about partnership that polyamory has helped her unpack is the concept of one person having to be all things for you. One person having to be your everything. She feels polyamory puts control of her needs back in her hands where it belongs. And she has given back the control of her partners’ needs back to them. While not one to place polyamory on any hierarchy of love structures, Evita does credit it with helping her find peace and contentment by herself. Even with a husband, a boyfriend and a girlfriend, there are still times when Evita will only have Evita’s company on any given evening. “That is the greatest gift ethical non-monogamy has given me,” Evita says. “It’s taught me that the number one person who can fulfill my needs is myself.”

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Ep 1: Shira Does Not Do Monogamy

Shira Obasuyi chats about growing up in a polyamorous family. She shares stories of the women in her family teaching her to value her relationship with herself over her relationships with any and all of her partners. She also explains why even though she never tried to force herself into the box of monogamy, entering the adult world where this structure was largely practiced did create struggles to relate to people she cared about, but could not understand. “I discovered that in monogamy, a partner will have lots of insecurities that they want you to fix,” she says. “My parents never talked about love the way I was hearing monogamous people define it.”

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